I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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