I wish I could teleport
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
