wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
