it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
