My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Randomize
