life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
