i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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