totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
