Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
