Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Randomize
