I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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