Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
