i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
