She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Ladies don't puke and tell
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Randomize