Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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