I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
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