I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize