Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
