just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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