We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
