that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
