i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
