$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
