Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
