I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
