Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I just cut my nipple shaving
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I AM VODKA MAN
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
