i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
