So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Houston, we have a blender
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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