i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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