worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
