Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
birth control should be required to get into college
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Randomize
