all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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