This is not my ceiling
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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