she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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