So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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