i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
