That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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