saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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