you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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