Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
