Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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