did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
