We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
