I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Randomize
