That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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