so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
