If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
