Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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