ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
