He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
