Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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