i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
