Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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