I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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