Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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