She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
