Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
