she woke up with a sticky ear
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
