my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
